Ridiculous Infomercial Review Blog

2007 was the year of the Cavalcade of Colon Cleansing infomercials, with Dual Action Cleanse, Almighty Cleanse, Colon Flow, and the 7 Day Miracle Cleanse competing to clear the crap out of your colon. In 2008, however, infomercials seem to be obsessed with a much nicer body part: Breasts.

The first wave of these infomercials simply used exposed cleavage to attract viewers. This use of cleavage was completely gratuitous, because the products being sold on the infomercials had nothing to do with breasts. The best example of this was the Jeff Paul Shortcuts to Internet Millions infomercial, which featured the massive globes of two luscious models to sell a money-making program. Also in this category are the Video Professor infomercial in which hostess Rebecca Grant shows off her assets to spice up a dull infomercial selling computer training videos, the Erica Inc infomercial which uses cleavage to get people to listen to a pitch for a biz op, and the Magic Bullet To Go infomercial in which the camera angles let viewers look down Mimi Umidon’s tank top.

Recently, however, infomercials have been selling products that actually have to do with breasts. Chic Shaper is an accessory that is worn under the bra to fool people into thinking a woman has large boobs. Easy Curves is an exercise bar that is supposed to increase the bustline.

With this suddenly popularity of big breasts gripping the infomercial world, I suggest that this year’s Electronic Retailing Association awards ceremony open with Forbes Riley and Jack LaLanne signing a duet of this song:

It would be the highlight of the event!

Chic Shaper is a product that is worn under the bra so that a woman can fool people into thinking she has larger breasts. The infomercial for Chic Shaper pretends that it is taking place during some sort of a photo shoot where all the models are wearing Chic Shaper.

Host Mindy McCortney says, “I have been noticing a lot of flirting going on on this set.” Unfortunately, I think most of the flirting is taking place between the male wardrobe consultants and the male hairdressers.

Just as the infomercial for the Alzare male enhancement product insists that larger genitals provide instant confidence for men, the Chic Shaper infomercial proclaims that a larger bust provides greater confidence for women—which I guess means Dolly Parton and Pamela Andersen are among the most confident females on planet Earth.

This infomercial declares that the ChicShaper product provides a “youthful silhouette”—which is a very interesting euphemism for “it prevents your sagging boobs from hitting the floor.”

The Chic Shaper infomercial also tells us that the product provides improved posture. So ladies, if you try the Chic Shaper and some creepy guy starts staring at your chest and breathing heavily, you can be confident that he is admiring your “great posture.”

They also proclaim that Chic Shaper will become “Your bra’s new best friend”—and your bra really needs a friend, considering how your husband or boyfriend is always trying to tear it off!

I recently wrote about the trend of infomercials displaying gratuitous cleavage. One commercial, however, shoves breasts in the face of TV viewers, and it’s not gratuitous at all!

The commercial advertises a product called Easy Curves. Easy Curves is a piece of exercise equipment that is supposed to work the muscles underneath the breasts for a larger bust line. Check it out:

Wow. Even in the Shortcuts to Internet Millions infomercial we never get to see breasts in that kind of motion. (Of course with the amount of silicone pumped into Tina Milano and Kelly Britz, I doubt anyone ever gets to see those things in motion.)

In case you missed it, here’s the “money shot” of the Easy Curves commercial:

If a woman uses Easy Curves in front of a guy it will probably turn him on even if it doesn’t actually increase the size of her breasts.

At only $9.99, EasyCurves is one of those products that is cheap enough to try even if you really believe it’s a scam that’s not going to work at all! (Just make sure you have enough room in your closet next to your old Suzanne Somers Thigh Master.)

One infomercial trend you might want to keep an eye out for: Gratuitous cleavage.

Of course, T & A in infomercials is nothing new. However, in the previous displays of flesh, there was at least some plausible link between the body parts and the sales pitch. One would expect that infomercials selling sex products, such as Girls Gone Wild or ExtenZe, would show lots of female flesh. Infomercials peddling diet or exercise products, such as the Tony Little Gazelle, also have a motive to show off the fit bodies supposedly created by their products. Even the blatant use of bikini babes in the Tom Vu infomercials served to reinforce the overall message: Like the mansion and fancy cars, those hot babe were supposed to be one of the prizes your wealth could buy you—if you’d attend Vu’s real estate seminar.

The recent spate of décolletage, however, is completely gratuitous. There seems to be no connection between the breasts and the products:

• The Jeff Paul Shortcuts to Internet Millions infomercial sells a course teaching people how to make money on the Web.
• The Erica Inc. infomercial sells a home business opportunity.
• The Video Professor infomercial (with host Rebecca Grant) sells computer training CDs.

Have yourself an eyeful:

Perhaps the producers are just trying to get horny channel surfers to stop and stare and the bosoms and then hope they’ll hang around long enough to be convinced by the sales pitch.

One strange thing on the Erica Inc infomercial is that after they show us cleavage:

They then tease the viewers by covering most of it up with graphics:

And then they cover it up altogether:

It’s like they’re saying, “Enough gawking you horny losers! Pick up the phone and order our product!”

So many of you enjoyed my last post with the video from the Jeff Paul Shortcuts to Internet Millions infomercial, that I’ve decided to give you some more.

I guess a lot of guys have nothing better to do in the middle of the night than stare at boobs on an infomercial and then go on the Internet and try to see them again. And who am I to stand in your way! So here are pictures of Kelly Britz and Tina Milano for you to drool over. But before you post any questions, let me inform you 1) No I cannot make the images larger or with higher resolution 2) I do not have any nude photos of either Tina Milano or Kelly Britz.

Here is that blond bombshell Kelly Britz:

And here is her brunette compatriot Tina Milano. I think in the first image Tina is trying to make her eyes bigger than her boobs. (She doesn’t succeed.)

And here are the two models togther:

But wait, there’s more! As a free bonus to you here is yet another video clip from the Jeff Paul Shortcuts to Internet Millons infomercial. Here Kelly Britz and Tina Milano discuss how their “girlfriends” have websites:

Gentlemen, you are free to imagine that these “girlfriends” are just as hot and Kelly and Tina. And I think we all know just what kinds of websites these girlfriends have as well.