Blog - Ridiculous Infomercial Review

A few months back I wrote about the commercial for the Shake Weight, a device for toning arms whose motion is rather suggestive of a more explicit action.

Now the manufacturers of that product have come out with the Shake Weight for Men and the ad is even more unnerving. The Shake Weight for Men infomercial features shirtless, sweaty, muscular men performing what looks like a lewd act.

If you were channel surfing and caught this commercial at, say, 1:19, wouldn’t you assume you had wandered onto some gay porn pay-per-view channel?

I’m sure many people who stumbled upon the ShakeWeight for Men ad changed the channel so quickly they never realized it was really a commercial for a piece of exercise equipment.

Ever since the tragic and sudden death of Billy Mays, the TV infomercial world has been asking itself, “Who will emerge as the next great television pitchman?”

Some thought it might be Vince Offer of ShamWow and Slap Chop fame. While other commercial spokesmen (like Joe Fowler and Bruce Singer) seemed to think that by aping the Billy Mays style they could be crowned his successor.

As with many things in life, the answer to the question we have all been asking comes from a direction we were least expecting. A little known commercial for an obscure product called the Airless Water Valve has given us a glimpse of the man who will become the next great infomercial pitchman.

This worthy heir to the Billy Mays throne arrives not from the world of broadcasting or sales, but from the world of sports. Many athletes have made product endorsements, but few have been able to follow a top-notch sports career with a career as a leading commercial spokesman. Athleticism and the ability to stand in front of a camera and really persuade viewers to purchase a product are qualities not often found in the same man. Yet sometimes a person is just “a natural.” It happens in baseball. And it happens in infomercials.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the infomercial debut of World Series pitcher Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez:

I do not own a Blackberry or any other phone with a keyboard. So I guess I never realized that owners of the “Crackberry” spend so much time obsessively typing on their beloved device that it causes physical injury to their thumbs. Rather than encourage such people to give up their destructive behavior, one infomercial instead sells a product that lets them continue typing away while reducing the trauma to their digits…sort of like giving clean needles to drug addicts.

A few weeks ago I wrote, “The name ‘ShoeDini’ has to be one of the cheesiest ever, even by DRTV standards.” I spoke to way too soon! The name of the thumb protector I am talking about makes the name ShoeDini seem almost elegant. I present to you the Awethumb:

Wearing an Awethumb makes you look physically handicapped and pronouncing the name “Awethumb” makes you sound mentally handicapped.

Mike Tyson would a great spokesman for the next version of the Awethumb infomercial.

Have you ever thought about how tough life must be for your neighborhood tramp? She loves to flash her cleavage at bars, nightclubs, bus stops and 7-11s. But around the office, such blatant display of booby-flesh gets disapproval from superiors, as well as causing female co-workers to gossip about the office hoochie. (Of course they’re all just jealous because they don’t have such a great bustline!) She could bring a change of clothes, but that gets cumbersome to lug around everyday.

You may have never thought about this dilemma faced by floozies everywhere, but fortunately the makers of the Cami Secret have.

That is truly a genius marketing angle to sell a small piece of fabric!

I never would have thought the commercial for this product would include a cutesy rhyme in the tradition of the Snuggie:

You love the low-cut top for going out at night,
But in the office it’s just not right.
You’ve tried safety pins but they leave holes and just look wrong.
And with a camisole you end up tugging and adjusting all day long!

If the Cami Secret infomercial has left you rubbing your eyes in disbelief, I assure you that this is a real ad for a real product you can buy at www.CamiSecret.com

Men, infomercials have put hair on your head (Hair Club) and have even increased “that certain part of the male anatomy” (ExtenZe). But one part of your appearance is still lacking.

I’m talking about that big belly hanging down in front of your belt buckle. Sure, you could sign up for a diet program like Nutrisystem or try one of the myriad ab machines available (Ab Rocket, Contour Ab Belt, Ab Circle Pro, etc., etc.). But who has time for that?

Now Slim T offers men everywhere the opportunity to slap on a girdle for an instantly slimmer physique:

Some guy must have seen the infomercial for Kymaro Body Shaper and thought, “Why do women get to have all the best products?”

“You can really tell this was designed for men,” says one gentleman in a frantic effort to reassure males that they will not be wearing a woman’s undergarment. The “12 specially engineered structure panels” are an attempt to make SlimTs look like some kind of cool body armor.

Yet any man worried about transvestism will find the “criss-cross back panel” looks a little too much like bra straps.

The best part of this commercial, however, is the guy at 1:23 who says, “The job market out there is really tough. And with the Slim T, I looked good, I felt good, and that’s why I got the job.” If you are an unemployed man, rest assured that your status is due not to your lack of experience or job skills. It’s that massive gut that is keeping you from being hired! So gird yourself with a SlimT and land that job you’ve always wanted.

Maybe Slim T could hire William Shatner as a celebrity endorser.