Blog - Ridiculous Infomercial Review

Anthony Sullivan, business partner of the late Billy Mays, has made an infomercial for a lint roller called the Sticky Buddy, a product almost identical to Vince Offer’s Schticky.

Back in the day (that is, circa 2008) Billy Mays had a feud going on with Vince Offer. Billy thought Vince Offer’s ShamWow was a knock off of his Zorbeez and that Vince’s Slap Chop was a copy of his Quick Chop. Sully was probably inspired to create the Sticky Buddy infomercial after a scene like this:

Late one night, contemplating whether his next product should sell for $19.95 with $8.95 shipping or $19.99 with $7.95 shipping, infomercial pitchman Anthony Sullivan begins to drift asleep—until the sound of footsteps jolts him awake.

Startled, he calls out, “Who’s there?”

“Hi, Billy Mays here, back from the grave with a solemn message for Anthony Sullivan!” shouts back a translucent shade in the shape of a bearded man.

Panicked, Sullivan replies, “I’m sorry I did those OxiClean commercials but they begged me…”

“Sully! You must avenge me! Avenge me!”

“Yes, Billy. Just give me the name of your cocaine dealer and I’ll have him whacked.”

“No! I’m talking about that skinny jerk Vince Offer. During my lifetime he got rich by ripping off my products. Now that I’m gone you must do the same to him. Every time he pitches a product, you must make an infomercial selling the exact same kind of product. Then he will know how it feels! You must not let Vince become the next Billy Mays!”

“Are you sure that’s the best way to go about it, Billy? Because I’ve been working on this plot involving a syphilitic prostitute and Lindsay Lohan’s parole officer and…”

“Avenge me! Avenge me!” shouts Billy as his ghost starts to fade from sight

“Yes, Billy. I promise. I promise!” Sully pledges before the apparition vanishes entirely.

So when he saw Vince Offer’s ad for the Schticky, Anthony Sullivan, like a modern-day infomercial Hamlet, knew what he had to do to fulfill the vow made to his friend. Thus was born the Sticky Buddy commercial.

Lee Majors’ latest infomercial sells a product called Bionic Alert…which seems a little familiar:

Needless to say, this product is a rip off of Life Alert. Compare the Bionic Alert commercial with the original Life Alert ad (back when it was still named Life Call):

If you go to the Life Alert website, you will see that “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”® is a registered trademark, so Bionic Alert doesn’t directly copy that iconic line. However the phrase “I’m having chest pains” is word for word that same line used the Life Alert commercial.

Previously, Lee Majors appeared in the Bionic Hearing Aid infomercial, so he may be developing a brand around the “bionic” label.

The Bionic Alert infomercial is part of an subgenre of infomercial I like to call Geriatric Actors selling Geriatric Products to Geriatrics.

Everyone who produces a TV commercial would like to score a major celebrity endorsement, but big stars cost big money. So marketers of products sold to the elderly realize that they can get someone who used to be a big star 30 or 40 years ago to appear in their TV commercials for relatively little pay. These sort of ads typically run during the mornings and afternoons on cable networks and small local stations.

A whole generation (or two) has no idea who these actors are, but in the minds of senior citizens these people are still major celebs.

Senior Citizen TV Viewer: Look it’s Lee Majors in a commercial for Bionic Alert!

Adult in His Late Twenties: Who’s Lee Majors?

Senior Citizen: He was the Six Million Dollar Man!

Adult in His Late Twenties: What’s the Six Million Dollar Man?

Senior Citizen: He was the Fall Guy!

Adult in His Late Twenties: What’s a fall guy?

Another example of this phenomenon is Henry Winkler (“What’s a fonzie?”) endorsing reverse mortgages, or Robert Wagner (“What’s heart to heart?”) endorsing the Light Relief pain reliever device—that is until Light Relief suddenly dropped him because they were afraid he murdered Natalie Wood.

An even older example is Art Linkletter, who had his heyday in the 1960s, making commercials in the 1980s for the Contour Chair.

The parade of infomercials selling products inspired by Pillow Pets just keeps marching on.

As previously noted, the pattern is: 1) Make a stuffed animal that can be converted into something else 2) Produce a TV commercial with a really annoying jingle so children will continually harass their parents into buying it.

CuddleUppets: The Puppet/Blanket

The CuddleUppets (www.CuddleUppets.com) have been gaining popularity recently—to the delight of children and horror of parents everywhere:

The Cuddle Uppets commercial sure meets the requirement of having an obnoxious jingle:

They’re Cuddle CuddleUppets
Cuddle CuddelUppets
Blankets that are puppets
Blankets that are puppets
They cuddle and hug
And wrap you in love
Play with you all day
Then sleep the night away
Cuddle. Hug. Play. Love…
The fun never ends
With Cuddle Up friends
When you say goodnight
They hug and hold you tight…
They’re Cuddle CuddleUppets
Cuddle CuddelUppets
Blankets that are puppets
Blankets that are puppets

I was going to make a joke about the size of the heads on the Cuddle Uppets puppets, until I saw…

Pillow Puppets: The Puppet/Pillow

The monstrously large heads of the Pillow Puppets are not only bigger than the heads of the kids playing with them but many times larger than the heads of the actual animals these things are supposed to be representing.

The song on this ad is not so much annoying as just sappy:

Pillow Puppets
Creative play that lasts all day
Pillow Puppets
Pillow…Pu-ppets

If an older kid socks your toddler in the face for playing with a baby’s toy, at least the Pillow Puppet head will provide a good amount of cushioning.

Glow Buddy: The Teddy Bear/Night Light

What child wouldn’t want the comfort of spending the night with a polar bear who suffers from severe radiation poisoning? That’s what your kid will get with Glow Buddy, a teddy bear that glows in the dark:

The original version of the Glow Buddy commercial lacked any kind of song, but the updated version includes a half-assed attempt at creating a disco-sounding jingle:

Nobody shines a bright as my Glow Buddy
Glow Buddy huggable night light.

At least the “Pen Light” included as a free bonus will get your kid started on his career as a tattoo artist.

And with each purchase of Glow Buddy a donation is made to the victims of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant accident.

Stuffies: The Stuffed Animal/Secret Compartment

With Stuffies, kids can play at being a freelance vivisectionist:

Finally toddlers have a fun place to keep $50,000 in Krugerrands and a .45 automatic.

Dream Lites: The Stuffed Animal/Light Show

Tired of other people ripping them off, Pillow Pets decided to rip themselves off by creating Dream Lites:

The operatic anthem for this one goes:

Dream Lite
Sleep tight
Starry night
With Dream Lite.
Dream Lite
All night.
Keep dreaming on
With Dream Lite.

Dream Lites are great to keep on hand for the next time your kid licks a rub-on tattoo that turns out to be laced with LSD.

Sixteen years ago, the AromaTrim infomercial sold a piece of plastic that a person could hold underneath his or her nose to feel full and thus prevent overeating.

Nasal Soft Strips work in much the same way—except that it makes you look like an even bigger dork than AromaTrim did!

Nasal Soft Strips will keep you looking trim, and the only drawback is that you have to walk around with a white strip hanging out of your nose, which will very likely distract people from admiring your slim physique.

Part of the commercial makes it seem as if Nasal Soft Strips need only be worn for a few minutes. The appetite suppression is then supposed to last for hours. But they show people wearing this thing in their kitchen, car, and office. In real life, a person would go into the bathroom, triple check that the door is locked, stick this thing up their nose for as little time as necessary, and then quickly hide the evidence.

In September, the annual Moxie Awards for best infomercials were handed out by the Electronic Retailing Association (ERA) at a ceremony in Las Vegas.

This year they handed out a whopping 36 different awards, yet the event still induced claustrophobia. Infomercials for Proactiv Solutions from Guthy Renker won a total of 4 awards and 6 nominations. In one category (Best Short Form, Beauty) two different Proactiv Solution commercials were nominated. This year’s trophies can be added to those from all the other years when Proactiv won multiple awards. (Read about previous ERA Awards: 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006)

So without further ado, let us look at some of the Moxie Awards that were not won by Proactiv Solution:

Best Celebrity Presenter

And the nominees are…

Alyssa Milano for Wen Hair Care

Elisabeth Hasslebeck for Ab Glider

Valerie Berntinelli for Meaningful Beauty

And the winner is…Alyssa Milano for Wen Hair Care

Alyssa Milano was not available to personally receive the award. When she was asked to attend the Moxie Awards, her reaction was probably something like this. So instead Wen creator Chaz Dean accepted it on her behalf. Chaz really had nothing better to do…now that crazy homeless woman isn’t pooping in his yard anymore.

Best Male Presenter

And the nominees are…

Anthony Sullivan for H2O Mop X5

Chaz Dean for Wen

Chris Jacobs for Save with CarMD

And the winner is…Chris Jacobs.

Huh?

Best Female Presenter

And the nominees are…

Erica Shaffer for Ninja Kitchen System 1100

Rhonda Shear for Ahh Bra

And the winner is…Rhonda Shear.

Rhonda Shear? Seriously? Will future infomercial hosts now be inspired to toss away their scripts and just crack jokes?

Rhonda Shear was not on hand to personally accept the award…or insult anyone’s boobs.

So what was the best infomercial of 2011? That’s not easy to answer because there were four different main awards: “Best Long Form of the Year – Under $250K,” “Best Long Form of the Year – Over $250K,” “Best Short Form of the Year – Under $50K,” “Best Short Form of the Year – Over $50K.” These were won by CarMD, Wen Hair Care, Pajama Jeans, and Rip:60, respectively.

So It was a bittersweet night for Chaz Dean, who was snubbed for the second year in a row in the “Best Male Presenter” category but whose Wen infomercial won the top prize.

You can read the full list of award winners at the official website.

And you can watch video of the entire ERA Moxie Awards ceremony (yes, the whole plodding hour-and-a-half of it):

The awards were handed out by five pairs of DRTV industry execs partnered with “celebrity” presenters. The “celebrities” were mostly just infomercial hosts: Taylor Baldwin (Hot Booties), Andi Barness (Butterball Indoor Turkey Fryer), Forbes Riley (Aromatrim), and Darla Haun (Tony Little Gazelle, Flavorwave Oven). One presenter, however, was an actress who has appeared on a major network primetime TV series…Erin Murphy. Don’t recognize the name? She played young Tabitha Stevens on Bewtiched, a TV show that stopped production 40 years ago.

In the midst of the incredible dullness of the Moxie Awards presentation was this moment when Forbes Riley forced a man’s hands onto her breasts!

Ahhhhh, indeed!

Once again I was forced to boycott this year’s Moxie Awards gala in protest that neither Kevin Trudeau nor his magic genie were nominated in any category. How sad for ERA to cave in to pressure from the Illuminati, Skull & Bones, and Secret Brotherhood of Telepathic Martians. It’s an outrage I tell you! An outrage!