Blog - Ridiculous Infomercial Review

Here is a video that compiles all those black-and-white moments at the beginning of infomercials where people are having a surprising amount of trouble accomplishing very simple tasks:

Some of this “As Seen On TV” products I recognized here include Shoedini, Snuggie, Tiddy Bear, Perfect Fit Button, Twin Draft Guard, EZ Cracker, PediPaws, Egg Genie, Perfect Brownie, Cami Secret, Bottle Tops, and Tushee but there were lots of others included as well.

I like the Beatles, but found “Help!” as the background music kind of annoying here. Plus, there was no signature “Waaa-waaa” sound featured.

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Thanks to reader Scott Mercer for letting us know about this video.

Infomercial products such as Strap Perfect and Straplesse can hide unsighly bra straps, but two new products sold on TV go a step further by eliminating the straps—and the bra itself—entirely. Instead they use adhesive tape (!) as an alternative to lift the bustline.

Behold Bare Lifts:

This infomercial feels compelled to tell us that Bare Lifts was “invented by a woman”; otherwise many would have assumed some man discovered this product while experimenting with various bondage techniques in his S&M dungeon.

The geniuses in the infomercial marketing world are so convinced this type of product will be the next hot thing in women’s fashion that Bare Lifts already has a competitor called Liftys. Like the Straplesse commercial, this video features the voiceover work of a woman with a really annoying European accent:

I do not personally own a pair of breasts, but the Bare Lifts and Liftys products look like they would be really uncomfortable—if not downright painful—to use.

One problem in demonstrating a product like this on television is the need to blur out the unfortunate nipple. But this commercial for Liftys has found a way around this difficulty by using a computer-generated woman:

Too bad they didn’t invent adhesive tape that could have synched up their video and audio correctly!

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A well-lifted thanks to reader Chris P. for giving me the heads-up on the Bare Lifts tape infomercial!

Recently on Anthony Sullivan’s Twitter feed, he mentioned that he was working on a commercial for a product called ID Stronghold that would be featured on the upcoming season of Pitchmen. After doing some research I found out that Identity Stronghold is a protective sleeve that blocks a credit card containing an RFID chip (often called a “smart card”) from being scanned by thieves.

I also discovered this attempt at a TV commercial by the makers of Identity Stronghold.:

Now we know why they need Sully’s help in making a new commercial! That talking credit card is truly the stuff of nightmares. Fortunately, this spot never aired widely; otherwise many a parent would spend late nights trying to help a child forget the haunting image of a credit card with a moving mouth.

The talking credit card of the Identity Stronghold infomercial recalls another product with a “mouth” - the Fleshlight sex toy, which you can see in motion in this video:

The Magic Bullet infomercial has a cult following unlike any other infomercial ever broadcast. Much of its popularity comes from its very unusual (for an infomercial) format of using scripted dialogue and fictional characters. This same scripted format (as well as many of the same characters) are used in its sequels, the Magic Bullet to Go and the Bullet Express.

Because of the Magic Bullet’s popularity and scripted format, there is a massive demand for these infomercials to be available in proper screenplay format. So today we make transcriptions of all three infomercials available to you. Now your local community theater or church drama group may perform these beloved dramas for the amusement and enjoyment of all.

Download the PDF files from the following links

• Magic Bullet Script
• Magic Bullet To Go Script
• Bullet Express Script

Notes to directors:

* For the sake of completeness, I have included the text of the voice overs used in the “commercial” segments. I advise, however, that you eliminate or at least greatly reduce these commercials in your performances.

* As broadcast, the Bullet Express infomercial has three characters who go unnamed: Ralph’s wife and a couple consisting of a blonde woman and a bearded man. Following the penchant these infomercials show for naming their couples after famous ones (Ike and Tina, Fred and Wilma, Betty and Barney), I decided to name Ralph’s wife Alice and in keeping with the Honeymooners theme name the other couple Ed and Trixie.

I have always thought the notion that Americans are lazy was a bogus charge. But after seeing the infomercial for Robo Stir, I am forced to reconsider. The RoboStir device automatically stirs the ingredients of pots and pans for you. Here’s the RoboStir commercial featuring well-known pitchman Anthony “Sully” Sullivan (former partner of the late, great Billy Mays):

So let me understand this: You go to the grocery store and buy all the ingredients, prepare the ingredients to go into the pot, add broth or water, turn on the heat…but then you find that stirring the pot is such a grueling and time-consuming task that you need to bring in a robot to do it for you?

If I could get a robot to do all that other stuff then I would be more than happy to spend a few minutes stirring a pot.

One thing I do like about the Robo Stir is that it looks like a minor droid you might glimpse floating in the background of one of the Star Wars movies.