Dessert Bullet Infomercial Marks the Death of the Wacky Magic Bullet Sitcoms

Dearly beloved, it is with a great and nearly inconsolable sadness that I bring news of a death. Not the death of a human being but the death of the kind of wacky, character-driven Magic Bullet product infomercials we have all come to know and love over the past decade.

The first sign of this impending doom came in July 2012 when the Nutribullet infomercial aired. Although this product was an extension of the Magic Bullet line, the infomercial was not the sitcom/infomercial mash up we had come to expect, but merely a mundane product demo from a man named David Wolfe. Although the Nutribullet infomercial was an abomination, there were reasons to hope it was merely an aberration: The ad barely mentioned the product’s connection to the Magic Bullet, and neither Mick Hastie nor any of the previous cast members were involved. So when a rumor of a new Magic Bullet infomercial starring Mick popped up last September, there was reason to hope that the old glory would be restored.

The new infomercial is now out, and it is very clear the Nutribullet format has vanquished the Magic Bullet format. The latest product is the Dessert Bullet, “The 10 Second Healthy Dessert Maker,” which is basically a Yonanas rip-off that makes desserts from fruit as a healthier alternative to ice cream and frozen yogurt. The Dessert Bullet infomercial was filmed from what Mick calls “Magic Bullet headquarters,” even though it is clear this thing was filmed on a set. This set isn’t made to look like anyone’s living room. There is no pretense that a party is taking place or that guests are recovering from a night of nefarious deeds.

The generic audience watching Mick and his new co-host, Stephanie Siemiller, are just supposed to be people there for a product demo. It is clear, however, that the audience is made of paid actors—and bad ones at that. They nod in robotic agreement at everything they see, and deliver forgettable lines such as “Tastes just like cherry chocolate ice cream.”

Unlike the Nutribullet infomercial, which seemed almost embarrassed to be associated with the Magic Bullet, Mick makes clear that the Dessert Bullet is part of the “family” that includes the Magic Bullet, Baby Bullet, Party Bullet, and Nutribullet. (The Magic Bullet to Go and the Bullet Express go unmentioned.) Also given Mick’s imprimatur as “part of the Bullet family” is their “in-house nutrition expert” David Wolfe, host of the Nutribullet infomercial, who gets to prepare a Dessert Bullet recipe for the audience as well.

All this is an indication that this is what we can expect from the Magic Bullet infomercials from now on. David Wolfe making recipes is part of the family; drunken grandmas, overweight party animals, and cigarette hags who fornicate in tents are not. The fact of the matter is that the Nutribullet has been an enormously successful product—as evidenced by the multiple times every day its dull infomercial is on the air. Though it debuted around the same time, the Party Bullet infomercial, with its madcap story of a funeral transformed into a drunken orgy, has barely been seen on TV.

Although Mick tries to be his usual friendly self, he seems somewhat dispirited and at times appears to be going through the motions during the Dessert Bullet program. He probably misses trading quips with Mimi and barbs with Granny, but grudgingly accepts that the purpose of an infomercial is to make money and not to have fun. Imagine what Berman, who obviously enjoyed desserts and could have lost a few pounds, would have had to say about all these low calorie treats. And who knows what kinds of alcohol Hazel or Grandma from the Baby Bullet would have insisted on adding to the “frozen lemonade” recipe. From now on, all of us will have to turn to Magic Bullet fan fiction to find out how our favorite characters would have reacted to the latest products.

Now that you have been warned, try to hold back tears of grief as you watch the Dessert Bullet infomercial for yourself:

Be sure to honor the memory of our departed loved ones by enjoying a cocktail mixed in your favorite Magic Bullet blender.