Bullet Express

The third episode in the landmark Magic Bullet infomercial series has hit the airwaves. The Original Magic Bullet infomercial invited us to the aftermath of Mick and Mimi’s “barbecue” and introduced us to their colorful friends, especially Berman the drunk and Hazel the cigarette hag. In the Magic Bullet To Go infomercial, Mick and Mimi took their friends on a camping excursion, and Berman and Hazel really got to…uhhh…know each other inside his tent. Now we have the Bullet Express infomercial, which—like Return of the Jedi—is worth watching but doesn’t live up to the greatness of the previous installments.

The Bullet Express infomercial is a sobered up version of the Original Magic Bullet infomercial in which Mick and Mimi have invited their family over for a meal. The reason or occasion for this gathering is never specified, and their American accents indicate these people are Mimi’s relatives. This is the family Mick and Mimi have to keep their swinging lifestyle a secret from.

Except for Mick and Mimi, none of the characters from the earlier infomercials appear. There are, however, ersatz replacements for Hazel and Berman.

In place of Hazel we have not one but two bitter and cynical old bags. One is Aunt Martha, who petulantly informs the rest of the family as soon as they arrive, “[Mick and Mimi] haven’t even started cooking yet!” The other is Granny, whose first words are the accusatory: “Sure, have us over for a nice family meal and there’s no food in sight! They probably just got out of bed!” Unlike Hazel, neither Granny nor Aunt Martha is shown with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. But at least these characters are played by actual senior citizens, not some 35-year-old hamming it up as an old lady. Both of these actresses convincingly portray nagging old biddies, yet when it comes time for them to change gears and become “amazed” at how great the Bullet Express food really tastes, their compliments don’t seem sincere.

Granny’s relentlessly bad attitude gets on Mick’s nerves so much that he brings out a set of wind up gag choppers, which he calls “Granny’s false teeth,” and uses them to crimp the crust of an apple pie. In your face, Granny!

Among the other family members is a man named Ralph (or “Ralphy Boy” as Mick sometimes refers to him). Ralph is large, fat, and bald, so I guess he is supposed to be some kind of substitute for Berman. Ralph has a thin, attractive wife who goes unnamed. (My guess for her name: Alice.) This is in contrast to Berman, who has no partner in the first infomercial and engages in some one-time unpleasantness with Hazel in the second. Another big difference is that Ralph is not hung-over and does not even complain about the lack of booze in Mick’s “juice cocktail.” Ralph mainly lies on a recliner and bugs Mick and Mimi for food. Ralph is the Shemp to Berman’s Curly.

None of the other characters are given a name, nor are their relations to Mick and Mimi specified. When Ralph and his wife first arrive, a boy and girl come with them but they quickly disappear and are never seen again. The kids have been to enough of these family gatherings to know that nothing good comes about when Granny and Aunt Martha are in the same room. The kids probably snuck into the master bedroom to steal a glimpse of Aunt Mimi’s and Uncle Mick’s “grown up” party photos.

Rounding out the family are a couple consisting of a bearded man and a blonde woman, who are sort of a counterpart to Ike and Tina in the Original Magic Bullet infomercial. (My guess for their names: Ed and Trixie.)

Mick and Mimi treat their family in the same boorish way they treated their friends, by making them gather round and watch a kitchen appliance in action. The Bullet Express device itself is some sort of a combo chopper, blender, mixer, juicer that they call an “8 minute meal machine.” Mick and Mimi use it to pile a disgustingly large amount of cheese and chicken on some nachos and an unbelievably massive quantity of mozzarella and pepperoni on a pizza. You may need to take some Alka-Seltzer after viewing their demo.

Although the Bullet Express infomercial has its moments, it is mostly an uninspired copy of the earlier Magic Bullet programs. The only improvement is the increased prominence given to Mimi’s ample cleavage.