Blog - Ridiculous Infomercial Review

Do you talk to your dog? If so, you probably do it in a cutesy, baby-talk tone that makes anyone unfortunate enough to overhear you want to slit his wrist.

And you probably imagine that your dog conducts his internal monologue in the same kind of sweet and precious toddler-speak, similar to the kind of thing you’ll find on those abominable and interminable LOL cats pictures.

Apparently the producers of the TV commercial for Pet Zoom Pet Park conceive of your dog’s voice in an entirely different way. The Pet Zoom Pet Park is a product very similar to Potty Patch: It is a piece of fake grass that lets your dog pee in your house. The target market for these products must be people who strongly desire for their homes to be filled with the aroma of dog urine—but don’t want to stain their carpets.

Check out the “voices” of the three dogs at the beginning of the infomercial:

The echoing voice of the dog who pleads, “I have to go now and I can’t take this anymore!” sounds like the desperate voice of a tormented soul calling out from the depths of hell, imploring the living to turn from their folly while they still have time.

The ad shows a snippy bitch whining, “It’s too cold to go outside to pee” but leaves off the rest of her statement: “…so I’ll just use your $800,000 house as my personal toilet.”

And that last dog who runs around frantically shouting, “I gotta go! I gotta go!” just needs to get shot with a tranquilizer gun.

The same marketing geniuses who dreamed up those voices had the audacity to name this product “Pet Park”—as if tossing a piece of Astroturf in the corner of your stuffy apartment is the equivalent of taking your dog for walk in a park. But unlike many real parks the Pet Zoom Pet Park doesn’t include a slide or swing set…yet.

Considering the multitude of Snuggie rip-offs and spin-offs that are really available (Tusheee, Wearable Towel, Cozy Caftan, Snuggie for Dogs) maybe the Snugger, Snuggest, Snuggernaut, and Mega Snuggernaut mentioned in this College Humor parody will be coming next:

Gotta love the end of that video!

(To my loyal readers, sorry for making 2 Snuggie-related posts in a row. I promise to write about some other infomercial next time!)

The phenomenal sales success of the Snuggie in 2008 and 2009 has inspired imitators who want to strike it rich in the world of short form infomercials (known as DRTV in the biz). Apparently several marketers have decided that the popularity of the Snuggie can be replicated with the following formula:

1. Sell a product which is nothing but a glorified piece of cloth

2. Give it a cutesy name.

3. Create a stupid rhyme and recite it at the beginning of the TV commercial.

These steps were put into practice by the Cozy Caftan, the Wearable Towel, and now the Tushee:

The Tushee comforter commercial opens with a poem for the ages:

Sitting at the pool shouldn’t be a task.
Pull out the Tushee, sit back, and relax.
Brushing the dirt or fighting the cold and heat
Shouldn’t be a stop for taking your seat.

Even as an advertising jingle this attempt verse really sucks. They include more (sort-of) rhyming couplets later on in the commercial, but I don’t have the stomach to quote them right now.

In spite of the commercial’s brief references to “secure grip” and “adjustable size,” any major difference between the Tushee and those dozens of other towels you have in your closet right now remains unclear—except for the fact that none of your towels is named after a butt.

But though the name “Tushee” may be stupid, it is preferable to the original name for the product, Ass Ragg™.

“Doctor, I have a problem that’s very strange and very embarrassing.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Every time I defecate…My stool looks like…It looks like…”

“What does it look like?”

“Well…it looks like…bananas and oatmeal.”

“I see.”

“And the strangest thing is that I don’t even eat bananas or oatmeal! Can you help me?”

“Your condition is unusual but not unheard of. Unfortunately there is no known cure or treatment. It is just something you will have to learn to live with.”

“So there’s nothing I can do about it?”

“You can’t prevent your bowel movements from looking like bananas and oatmeal. But you can save 2 gallons of water every time you flush the toilet with Mitch’s Green Flush™!”

I suppose the creators of the commercial for Mitch’s Green Flush decided to put bananas and oatmeal in the toilet because they thought showing real human feces would be just too “gross” for TV. (Even though some other infomercials have already broken that taboo.) What a missed opportunity!

Instead they should have shown a guy who looks like Mike Tyson squatting on the toilet. Then a massive brown load would have been shown inside the toilet before being flushed. This would have effectively shown viewers that not only does Mitch’s Green Flush save water but can handle even the largest of human bowel movements.

If you have ever been around dogs, you know their behavior routinely includes such activities as sniffing the butts of fellow canines, munching on their own poop, drinking out of the toilet, and humping the legs of human passersby.

Yet the makers of the DogPedic bed believe these genteel pooches possess such a refined sensibility as to require a memory foam mattress in order to get a good night’s sleep:

Twenty years ago you could make your dog happy by just tossing some ratty blanket on your garage floor. But today’s canine demands much more pampering. You may not have a memory foam “sleep system” of your own, but Fido refuses to get to sleep unless you buy him one now!

The DogPedic bed does not come in a four poster model with silk curtains—but they’ll probably offer that as an upgrade in the near future.

But to be the genuine master of the house, one needs not only the finest bed but also the ability to keep the other residents at his beck and call. In other words, your dog needs the Tell Bell:

True, the Tell Bell (www.TryTellBell.com) is a much better idea than just letting your dog piss inside your house, as the Potty Patch recommends. Still, there really is something unsettling about a bell that allows your dog to issue orders, as if the dog has become the true Lord or Lady of the house—and you’re really just its bitch.

Right now the Tell Bell has only a single ring with a single command. (“Let me out now!”) But perhaps an advanced version of the product will include several sounds, allowing your dog to issue you a whole range of commands (“feed me,” “walk me,” “fetch,” “sit,” “play dead.”).

Until then you can pay your pet proper respect by attiring yourself in the appropriate maid outfit or butler uniform.