Young Forbes Riley Starred in 1984 Slasher Flick “Splatter University”

It turns out that Vince Offer isn’t the only infomercial star with a terrible, low-budget movie in their past. Forbes Riley, veteran of countless infomercials such as the HealthMaster, Jack LaLanne Juicer, and AromaTrim, starred in an obscure 1984 horror movie called Splatter University.

True to its genre, Splatter University begins with a knife-wielding maniac escaping from a mental hospital. Years later, Professor Julie Parker (played by Forbes under the name Francine Forbes) takes her first teaching job at a Catholic university called St. Trinians College. The students at this school spend their leisure time drinking beer in parking lots while making catcalls and rude gestures—in other words, they’re the kind of kids who would never attend college at all, yet the St. Trinians student body seems to be made up exclusively of such individuals. Needless to say, the students and professors at this school routinely get stabbed in the crotch, the neck, the mouth and various other parts of their bodies.

Here is the trailer, which makes the movie seem a lot more interesting than it really is:

So who is the psycho killer? The creepy priest in a wheelchair? The creepy priest with a mustache? One of the delinquent students? Forbes’ boyfriend, Mark? Watch Splatter University for yourself and you too will be saying, “Who cares?”

Vince Offer’s movie was bad, but at least it was bad in unique and interesting ways. Splatter University is bad in dull and predictable ways. If you’ve ever seen a 1980s slasher flick you’ve seen everything that goes on here—and seen it done better.

Forbes’ acting is bad but no worse than anyone else’s in this movie. If you dare, you can watch Splater University for yourself through Amazon or Netflix. I’m sure you’ll agree that Forbes was right to cut short her career as a budding scream queen and become an infomercial queen instead.

Eight dead bodies. No breasts. Crippled priest tossing porno mag into a dumpster. Gratuitous redhead. Gratuitous red Cutlass Supreme. Knee-to-the-crotch Fu. Loony bin Fu. Unplanned pregnancy Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations to Johnny Boy for saying, “Stupid teacher got killed. What a pain in the ass” and to Forbes Riley for wearing a wristwatch to bed.

Two stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.