LovRub: Begin a Meaningful, Long-Term Relationship with a Tube of Lubricant

LovRub is an “all-natural topical enhancement product” that sells itself with the tagline, “More than a lube, it’s love in a tube.” You may be tempted to dismiss that phrase as an incredibly cheesy slogan with a really stupid rhyme, but the half-hour LovRub infomercial reveals that those words encapsulate an earnest vision of human sexuality.

The other phrase repeated on the infomercial is the instruction “Just a dime’s worth for women and a quarter’s worth for men”—which gives a whole new meaning to the term “two-bit whore.”

In addition to being efficient, LovRub claims to be safer than all those “sketchy drugs” because it is “made in America.”After all, can you really trust an aphrodisiac produced during the middle of the night in the same North Korean factory that cranks out nuclear warheads in the morning and weaponized smallpox in the afternoon?

To prove to everyone just how safe and effective the product really is, this infomercial talks to “a cross-section of the population” who have been given LovRub:

The infomercial wasted two minutes on that intro when they could have just said, “We talked to a tired couple, an old couple, and two singles who regularly screw random strangers they pick up at nightclubs.”

All these lucky people get to sit on black leather sofas in the middle of what looks like some sort of 1980s bachelor pad. From this enchanting locale, they each provide coached and scripted answers to questions about their personal experiences using LovRub.

I don’t have anything to say about the middle-aged couple Tom and Mary. Nor have I anything to say about the genial fellow known as Marco—except to note that he never specifies the gender of the “partners” he uses LovRub with.

I will share the following video of Bob and Jan, a husband and wife in their sixties:

When a person is at the age where he expects to drop dead at any moment, an hour is a long time to wait for a male enhancement pill to kick in. And if a man dies in the middle of a four-hour erection the undertaker will have to “batten down the hatch,” so to speak, and will likely charge his grieving widow for this unexpected service.

But is anyone else curious as to why Bob “didn’t want to go to some doctor and have him get involved in my personal life”— yet is perfectly willing to discuss on national television which lubricant he prefers for copulation?

Finally we have this statement from Nikki as to why she uses LovRub:

I would love to know exactly what is running through Jan’s mind at this moment:

Nikki’s view of relations between the sexes is depicted quite nicely in another set of commercials for LovRub. In these ads, men and women (of various marital statuses) look longing at one another…because they are really thinking about a giant tube of LovRub:

So these people are primarily making love to the lubricant, and the other person serves merely to provide a warm pliable surface to rub up against.

Rest assured that LovRub may be safely used with Fleshlights®, Real Dolls™, and giant anime pillows.