Squat Strap Ties You to a Tree So You Can Poop in the Woods

Funny $hit – well, not literally

I like how the diagram shows a guy literally sh*tting a brick!

Uh, this doesn’t look at all practical. What if you’re strapped to a weak tree and it falls over mid grunt? What if the ground below you is muddy and you lost your footing? I don’t need a brick to fall out of my a** while sliding in mud. I’ll just stay at home or, you know, squat in a bush because it’s not that difficult.

Kyla, I was thinking along similar lines, but I was thinking more along the lines of “What if the strap fails?” It also seems like there’s way too many things to have to do/explain to others what you’re doing that it doesn’t seem worthwhile.

As someone who does trail maintenance deep in the woods of the Pacific NW with volunteer crews, squatting safely and efficiently, and tactfully instructing others in doing so, is part of my day. Mainly that means showing them what nettles look like. The simple point is, if you’ve got a tree to begin with, you lean your back against it to balance the squat against a larger body area, easing strain on leg and lower back muscles. Also, dropping your brick directly at the base of the tree rather than yards out makes it far less likely to get stepped on, by you or others. After wiping up, stowing your strap, and turning AWAY from walking into a tree, remembering to detour over something brown against a leafy forest floor can be a challenging mental feat, while after a back-squat you just wipe and walk away in the direction you’re facing. Finally, you are far less visible against a tree than hanging out in the open. These hucksters are playing to people who think trees are unclean. Live trees are efficient at keeping things off their surface that you would not want on yours, so just don’t pick a dead one. There’s little or no skin contact anyway if you’re wearing a full-length shirt, as the sweetest squat spot arches your butt outward anyway. Humans are still natural squat monkeys and monkeys don’t need straps to poop. To further overwork the issue, here’s a tip for all you pilgrim squatters: cleanup is easy! Even if you forget paper and don’t’ have any singles in your wallet, just about any kind of leaf will work (except nettles). Something midway between the slickness of a live-plucked and the crumble of last year’s bloom is best. Double or triple up when in doubt. Downside? Even a bit of brick dust on the hand is easily remedied by the moss growing on the tree or nearby ground. Fluffy, absorbent, often even moist, it’s so insect-repellant and sterile that it’s used in wilderness medicine to pack wounds. Not enough structure for the primary job, but a great hand-sanitizer after. And remember, if you do use paper, pack it out or burn it in the campfire. If you must be a cheater, at least poke it with a stick deep into the loam at the base of the tree where it will decay out of site and menace.