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Squat Strap Ties You to a Tree So You Can Poop in the Woods

Does a bear crap in the woods? Yes, and now so can you with the Squat Strap!

Give the makers of the Squat Strap infomercial credit for knowing that everyone was going to make jokes about their product and deciding to beat everyone to the punch.

In addition to being humorous, the appearance of a man in a white tuxedo wandering through the forest with a monkey face sign is so bizarre that it makes strapping yourself to a tree trunk to take a dump seem mundane by comparison.

It’s just too bad they couldn’t afford to hire Robert Wagner to play the tuxedo guy.

One has to wonder if a person who can’t manage to squat long enough to poo will really be able to effectively use the Squat Strap or if they should really be spending extended amounts of time in a location without a working toilet. Then again, if someone is really constipated, it could be challenging to squat that long for even the most rugged outdoorsman.

The makers of Squat Strap should seriously consider expanding their market by doing a cross-promotion with the Squatty Potty and offering a human version of the Poo Trap as an upsell.

Although the Squat Strap infomercial may look like some sort of comedy sketch, the product is real and available at the website mentioned in the video. On their website they tout the health benefits of their product this way: “You see, Squat Strap helps to protect your exposed skin from coming into contact with bacteria, fungus, bugs, rodents and poisonous plants if you poop outdoors.”

Rodents?

Pity the poor field mouse whose route from one side of a meadow to the other takes him directly underneath your derriere at the exact moment you fall down from your crouching position!

Comments

  • 5 Responses to “Squat Strap Ties You to a Tree So You Can Poop in the Woods”

  • Funny $hit – well, not literally

    Comment by Steve on June 14, 2013 at 4:54 pm

  • I like how the diagram shows a guy literally sh*tting a brick!

    Comment by euGene on June 14, 2013 at 7:36 pm

  • Uh, this doesn’t look at all practical. What if you’re strapped to a weak tree and it falls over mid grunt? What if the ground below you is muddy and you lost your footing? I don’t need a brick to fall out of my a** while sliding in mud. I’ll just stay at home or, you know, squat in a bush because it’s not that difficult.

    Comment by Kyla on June 14, 2013 at 10:31 pm

  • Kyla, I was thinking along similar lines, but I was thinking more along the lines of “What if the strap fails?” It also seems like there’s way too many things to have to do/explain to others what you’re doing that it doesn’t seem worthwhile.

    Comment by Thomas on June 15, 2013 at 6:12 pm

  • As someone who does trail maintenance deep in the woods of the Pacific NW with volunteer crews, squatting safely and efficiently, and tactfully instructing others in doing so, is part of my day. Mainly that means showing them what nettles look like. The simple point is, if you’ve got a tree to begin with, you lean your back against it to balance the squat against a larger body area, easing strain on leg and lower back muscles. Also, dropping your brick directly at the base of the tree rather than yards out makes it far less likely to get stepped on, by you or others. After wiping up, stowing your strap, and turning AWAY from walking into a tree, remembering to detour over something brown against a leafy forest floor can be a challenging mental feat, while after a back-squat you just wipe and walk away in the direction you’re facing. Finally, you are far less visible against a tree than hanging out in the open. These hucksters are playing to people who think trees are unclean. Live trees are efficient at keeping things off their surface that you would not want on yours, so just don’t pick a dead one. There’s little or no skin contact anyway if you’re wearing a full-length shirt, as the sweetest squat spot arches your butt outward anyway. Humans are still natural squat monkeys and monkeys don’t need straps to poop. To further overwork the issue, here’s a tip for all you pilgrim squatters: cleanup is easy! Even if you forget paper and don’t’ have any singles in your wallet, just about any kind of leaf will work (except nettles). Something midway between the slickness of a live-plucked and the crumble of last year’s bloom is best. Double or triple up when in doubt. Downside? Even a bit of brick dust on the hand is easily remedied by the moss growing on the tree or nearby ground. Fluffy, absorbent, often even moist, it’s so insect-repellant and sterile that it’s used in wilderness medicine to pack wounds. Not enough structure for the primary job, but a great hand-sanitizer after. And remember, if you do use paper, pack it out or burn it in the campfire. If you must be a cheater, at least poke it with a stick deep into the loam at the base of the tree where it will decay out of site and menace.

    Comment by Superpooper on June 19, 2013 at 5:58 pm

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