Lulla Pets and Party Animal Pets Interact with Your Kids So You Don’t Have To

Having looked at 3 stuffed animals/storage containers and 4 stuffed animals/lights, today we conclude our hybrid stuffed animal round up:

Lulla Pets

Lulla Pets are similar to the Teddy Ruxpin doll popular during the 1980s but with a compact MP3 player instead of a big bulky tape recorder, so a kid can give it a hug without injuring himself on the mechanical guts.

Notice how one man says, “Hello…this is grandpa” into the voice recorder. Someone really needs to be careful about using the first person when recording a Lulla Pets message, lest his granddaughter get confused into thinking her grandfather is actually a yellow bear named “Ballad.”

A Lulla Pet is a convenient way for any practitioner of witchcraft to have a stuffed animal as a familiar.

Party Animal Pets

“Even doing homework is no longer a bore.” This infomercial has the audacity to claim that kids will suddenly want to do homework as long there is a cat or dog doll nearby gyrating to a pop song. No doubt the rooms in which those kids do homework will be clean as well because all their junk will have been neatly stored away inside a Tummy Stuffer.

Party Animal Pets are like an elaborate version of those singing animal novelties (cf. Big Mouth Billy Bass) that amuse everyone for 5 minutes at Christmas and then are shoved in the back of the closet forever. Unlike those toys, these dolls stand upright and move to the beat in a somewhat human manner—placing them far deeper into the uncanny valley. Party Animal Pets are an excellent way to get your kids used to the bio-engineered life forms that will inhabit their future.

Thermal-Aid Zoo

No parent would want to be so callous as to toss their child a bag of corn out of the freezer and tell them, “Put this on your boo-boo.” But if that frozen bag of corn is wrapped in a cloth shaped like a koala your kid will love using it— especially since 90% of the hurts kids complain about are phony anyway.

When microwaving the Thermal-Aid Zoo be sure to stop when the popping time between each corn kernel lasts longer than 2 seconds. (Salt and butter sold separately.)