Tony Little Gazelle
After reviewing infomercials for the “male enhancement products” Alzare and ExtenZe so soon after one another, I was really hoping to write about an infomercial completely free of “adult” themes. So, looking over my stash of infomercials I decided I couldn’t go wrong with something selling a piece of exercise equipment. But it was my misfortune to pop in a tape of the Tony Little infomercial for the Gazelle Freestyle (www.TonyLittleStore.com). Because, although there is no mention of sex, this is the one infomercial that most resembles a porn video—not least because Tony Little seems like a male porn star on crank.
Tony Little, Confirmed Ass Man
The background of the Tony Little infomercial features spandex-clad hardbodies strutting their stuff—which is no different from lots of other exercise equipment infomercials. What is different is the emphasis given to the ass throughout this whole program. Countless close-ups feature tight shots of tight butts. Tony places his hand near one of these rear ends to indicate it’s time for the model to get off the Gazelle. And when explaining how the Gazelle Freestyle exercises the gluteus maximus, Tony Little uses a strange high-pitched shriek to emphasize the word “BU-TTOCKS.” Later, to prove that the Gazelle Freestyle can hold a lot of weight, Tony Little gets on the machine at the same time hostess Darla Haun is on it and the two dance cheek-to-cheek, so to speak. As if all this weren’t enough to make Tony Little into the Seymore Butts of infomercials, he even taunts Darla Haun by saying, “How about butt squeeze?…Yeah I see you wanted to touch it. Not this show. You’re not touching this show.”
That’s not the only time Tony Little teases Darla Haun. In a scene that could have come straight out of the Vivid Video script department, Darla pleads with Tony, “Can I please do the turbo challenge?” She really wants it bad, yet Tony coyly won’t give it to her. Darla’s desire is so great that she needs to have it right now and begs, “Please! I’m gonna do it! Get off! Get off!” With a playful grin Tony lets her climb aboard. Darla unzips her top to reveal her cleavage. With a smile beaming her pleasure, Darla rhythmically moves her body back and forth to the music, her brown locks bouncing up and down behind her.
The music Darla moves to is from a videotape that comes with the Gazelle Freestyle featuring Tony Little barking motivation at you. And the music on that tape is exactly the kind of public domain synthesizer music you’ll find on the soundtrack of any adult video. If you’ve never seen an X-rated movie, you can hear the same sort of sound by pressing the Demo button on a Casio keyboard.
Tony Little, Infomercial Icon
But this infomercial isn’t all close-ups of female erogenous zones. There’s also the inescapable presence of Mr. Tony Little himself. Tony Little, muscle-bound, blonde, pony-tailed, has been on the infomercial scene since at least the early Nineties. And while most of the infomercial fixtures of that era—like Dave Del Dotto and Susan Powter—are scarcely memories, Tony Little is still on the air and still shouting every damn word he says. Indeed, because Little always speaks at maximum decibel, he has to rely on repetition instead to give anything emphasis. So Tony Little tells us that the Gazelle Freestyle has “everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,” is “fun, fun, fun, fun, fun” to use, and gives you the “results, results, results” you want.
Tony Little uses his shouts to try to convince you that the Gazelle Freestyle has “more, more, more, more, more” exercises than ever before. It looks pretty much like you’re limited to doing the same motion over and over, but Tony Little counts doing that motion slow, doing that motion fast, and doing that motion really fast as three separate exercises. You can also lean way the hell forward or way the hell back. And if you don’t think trying to maintain balance on two narrow planks is risky enough you can even stand on the Gazelle Freestyle sideways and spread your legs for exercise Tony calls “abduction and adduction.” The main purpose of this exercise appears to be for the cameramen to stop filming female asses and start filming female crotches.
The Tony Little Gazelle and Facial Trauma
To prove the effectiveness of exercise on the Gazelle Freestyle this infomercial features the usual customer testimonials and “before and after” photos. Yet one of these “before” photos is quite baffling because it shows a woman with a big ol’ black eye. Didn’t this lady have any before photos in which she didn’t sport a shiner? The reason for this prominent bruise is never explained, but since it appears in a “before” picture we must assume that her black eye was not a result of an accident with the Gazelle Freestyle itself.
Tony Little is not so reticent about his own injuries. He tells his viewers that he has been in three automobile accidents—and shows pictures of the smashed up car and his smashed up face to prove it. Tony says that the Gazelle Freestyle was an important part of his recuperation. It’s reassuring to know that if you ever lose your balance on the Gazelle Freestyle you’ll have the Gazelle Freestyle right there to help you recover from your injuries. And one can only conclude that it really works: After all, the Tony Little vocal cords seem to be back to full strength.
Tony Little & Darla Haun Montage
Highlights from the 2001 and 2003 versions of the Tony Little Gazelle infomercial.