Alzare

The Alzare infomercial, like its rival ExtenZe, is evidence that penis enlargement ads have outgrown your Inbox and are now ready to peddle their wares on any television station that will have them. Even the name of the Alzare infomercial—"Up All Night"—sounds like a subject line you would immediately delete if it ever made its way past your spam filters.

The Alzare infomercial was filmed on a tiny set with a live studio audience crowding in on the guests and co-hosts. One of the guests is an Alzare company rep named "Damon Davis." At least that’s one of his names, because every time his name is spoken it is obvious that it has been dubbed over the original soundtrack. It seems as if "Damon" went by a different moniker during the taping of the infomercial but for some reason decided to change it before airtime.

Other guests include an attractive "Model/Entertainer" and an attractive "Dancer/Model" who have performed around the world and have, in the words of one of them, "had a lot of experience with men"—in other words, they’re globe-trotting tramps, which makes them experts on penis size.

Alzare vs. ExtenZe: Differences

The folks at Alzare try to avoid one crucial mistake made by the ExtenZe infomercial: They want to get beautiful women on record saying clearly and emphatically that size matters. Check out this dialog between host Jenny Richards (who wears a silk blouse with only one button fastened) and "Dancer/Model" Teri Corcoran:

Jenny: So the question on the table is, does size matter...

Teri: Absolutely.

Jenny: Well, size matters?

Teri: Sure. Don’t you think so?

Jenny: Well, yeah!

Whatever the merits of Alzare it has at least succeeded in producing some pretty stiff dialog, because much of the banter in the studio comes across as scripted.

The Alzare infomercial features quite a few on-the-street testimonials, although no one who's actually used the product. Most of these look like the producers ambushed tipsy people staggering out of nightclubs. And in what has to be the stupidest testimonial ever given on an infomercial, one guy actually says, "It might even save a marriage or two." Oh, so that's what "irreconcilable differences" means.

Alzare vs. ExtenZe: Similarities

Despite a few significant differences between the Alzare and ExtenZe infomercials, there are also things that indicate the producers of one may just have watched the other. Neither dares to mention the elephant in the room and instead both refer to "that certain part of the male anatomy." Both cite the statistic that "60% of women" are not "satisfied" by the size of their partner—without ever saying who would conduct such research. And compare this statement from Ron Jeremy on the ExtenZe infomercial, "You guys have got to be selling a boatload of ExtenZe," with this one from host Evan Blake on the Alzare infomercial, "You guys got to be selling a truckload of this stuff."

As shameful as someone would have to be to peddle such a product, the Alzare infomercial is, in a strange way, not shameful enough. The infomercial is emphatic that "size matters," but when explaining why size matters Teri Corcoran says, "I think that added size would definitely give all the guys watching the kind of confidence to do things that they’ve never done before." And one of the women in a testimonial says outright, "It’s not really that size matters. It’s how he feels about hisself [sic]. And if he’s confident and he feels like things are going good, then he’s going to, you know, enjoy hisself [sic] a lot more."

The point they seem to miss is that size only matters to men because they think it matters to women; if physical size is not that important then it immediately shrivels up as a concern for men. If confidence is what really matters then maybe men should look in other areas if they want to become chick magnets.

Paxil, anyone?