ExtenZe

Adult film producer. Male porn star. Fat, hairy guy with a big schlong. Porn celebrity Ron Jeremy has held many positions in the adult film industry. Now the pornographer known as “The Hedgehog” adds a new title to his illustrious résumé: infomercial host.

Ron trots out several of his colleagues from the world of adult video to help sell ExtenZe (www.BuyExtenze.com), a pill intended to help men increase the size of “that certain part of the male anatomy.” They never actually outright name the part “down there.” The creators of this infomercial are apparently perfectly willing to use x-rated video performers, a stripper, and even an admitted prostitute to sell their product—but are too modest to use proper terminology for human anatomy.

The ExtenZe Parade of Porn Stars

The big idea behind this infomercial is that porn stars will be better and more exciting spokesmen for ExtenZe than actual experts. “Who better to talk about sexual things and other fun stuff than them,” Ron insists.

So, to vouch for the “science” behind ExtenZe, Ron interviews male porn star Scott Styles, who holds a Master’s degree in atomic and molecular physics. And who better than an atomic physicist to attest to claims of medical science. Styles is a former NASA scientist who says he left the space agency because of its lack of female porn stars. This is a well known cause of brain drain in the space program and the primary reason we haven’t yet put a man on Mars.

Ron’s guests also include Ruby, an adult film performer who also works at the Bunnyranch bordello, and an “exotic dancer” turned porn star who goes by the nom de guerre Chance Fortune (which I guess means that her middle name is Chance and she first lived on Fortune street. Or was her first pet named Fortune?).

The First-Rate Marketing of ExtenZe

This infomercial features no first hand testimonials (although one of the guests knows a woman who knows a guy who tried it). Ron simply asks the porn stars whether they think men out there ought to buy ExtenZe. The atomic physicist literally shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sure.” When asked whether being “more endowed” matters to women, Chance Fortune replies, “To some of them it does…Not to all of them but to some of them it does.” Wow. Really motivates you to spend your money and start swallowing a foreign substance.

One would think that people who make a living producing videos would find it easy to use their skills to create an infomercial. Wrong. An infomercial with such poor production values hasn’t aired in 15 years. Apparently, once these people try to tape anything other than naked bodies humping, they find themselves way out of their depth. Only the worst public access shows are as chintzy as this thing.

Early in the program, Ron promises that an infomercial featuring porn stars can’t help but be exciting. In fact, it’s about as exciting as a porn flick without the sex scenes. And with all the time Ron spends cracking jokes and the guests spend discussing the adult film biz, the actual product to make men bigger gets short shrift. It’s hard to imagine that watching the Hedgehog and his lukewarm “experts” prattle on for 30 minutes will convince anyone to buy ExtenZe. If this infomercial is making any sales, it must come from pre-existing demand born out of male sexual insecurity.

It’ll probably make millions.