Tajazzle

The infomercial for Tajazzle promotes its product as a “3 step personal confidence system.” So what would you expect such a product to be? A self-help book? Psychotherapy DVDs? A fortune cookie that says, “Take 3 Paxils and call me in the morning”?

Actually, Tajazzle consists of scented body powder, flavored liquid, and most importantly “genuine Tajazzle crystal tattoos made with Swarovski Elements that you use to bedazzle your most intimate area.” The infomercial informs us that “Confidence is everything and today we are going to reveal the ultimate in personal confidence…It’s called Tajazzle and it’s the ultimate system for personal confidence.” Who knew that gaining confidence was as easy as sticking some crystals on your skin!

Although this infomercial makes some effort to tout the product as an erotic novelty, the main pitch is all about the oft-repeated “confidence.” They come outright and say, “You don’t have to have a significant other to feel the confidence of Tajazzle.” They even claim it will give you confidence on the job (and they show a businesswoman talking on a cell phone so that you don’t assume the “job” types are limited to pole dancers, lap dancers, and gynecologist catalog models).

By putting “bling in your fling,” the Tajazzle crystals are supposed to make a woman confident in any situation—even if the crystals are completely hidden underneath her clothes. One beachgoer tells us:

I love to tajazzle just before I go to the beach. I wear the tiniest bikini I have, and I wonder if any of these guys staring at me have any idea that I’m wearing a sparkling tattoo down where they can’t see. Tajazzle makes me feel mysterious. It’s fun. It’s playful. It’s positive. It’s totally empowering to be wearing so little and still have something very secret only someone special can see.

Perhaps no other infomercial has ever had a marketing pitch whose logic was so difficult to parse. The closest examples are those “male enhancement” infomercials like ExtenZe and Extamax which claim that when a man is more physically endowed he will start exuding confidence. But although such a pitch for male enhancement pills may rest on highly questionable premises, it at least has a kind of crude logic to it. People might debate “Does size matter?” when it comes to male genitals, but there will never be a raging debate about “Does crystal body art matter?” because everyone knows the answer.

The Tajazzle infomercial is structured around some rather half-assed attempts at reality segments and testimonials that take place at the beach, at the gym, and in a bar. The hidden premise throughout is that men are simply unable to be sexually aroused by a woman unless she is wearing Tajazzle (even if it is hidden from them). Making this notion even more absurd is the fact that all the women who appear on the Tajazzle infomercial are knock-out gorgeous models. So we are supposed to be convinced that men would not be attracted to a woman who looks like this…

…or this…

…or this…

…unless she were wearing a glittery heart on their left hip!

The host tells us, “Have you ever been to a bar and felt like you were invisible? I know I have.” Here she is:

Unless that woman accidently stumbles into a gay bar, she is not going to be ignored!

But it gets even worse. This infomercial shows men embarrassed and perplexed at being attracted to some of these women. Supposedly, they do not realize the seductive power of Tajazzle. One gent tells us defensively, “There may be better bodies in here, but that woman, she’s got the vibe. And she commands attention. I don’t know what her secret is but she’s got a presence that says, ‘Look at me. I’m special.'”

Indeed, she may be a real dog but you would think she’d at least have a decent body with all her exercise:

Later, a male bar patron explains, “There’s something about this woman. No one can take their eyes off her. She may not be the most beautiful woman in here, but she is definitely the hottest.” Here is the woman he is talking about:

How could any man be the least bit interested in such a homely plain Jane as that? The only possible explanation for it is the mysterious allure of Tajazzle.

Being inexplicably entranced by hot models is not the only role the Tajazzle infomercial has for men, because “Even men can be confident with Tajazzle.” So the infomercial shows men giving testimonials about the body powder and flavored lotion, but—in perhaps the only wise marketing move here—refrains from showing them using the crystal tattoos. Thus we are mercifully spared from the sight of a sparkly butterfly plastered on some dude’s hairy butt cheek.

Apparently, the Tajazzle product is an attempt to catch a trend—popular among the Bumpits and Booty Pop crowd—called “vajazzle” which consists of women trying to make various body parts more attractive by throwing glitter on them. Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt admitted (on The George Lopez Show) that she engages in vajazzling, and her new book encourages women to do the same.

If men in Hollywood have actually gotten bored with female erogenous zones, then it will take a lot more than some Swarovski crystals to revive their interest.

—-

A sparkly, butterfly-shaped thanks to readers Jonathan C. and Vinz for letting us know about the glory of the Tajazzle infomercial!