Extamax

You cannot contract a sexually transmitted disease from a toilet seat, swimming pool, or mosquito. My doctor assures me that it is also medically impossible to catch an STD just by watching a TV infomercial. Otherwise, I’d need several prescriptions after viewing the infomercial for ExtaMax.

The ExtaMax infomercial is mostly a series of “Candid Confession” segments in which more than a dozen syphilitic nightclub skanks give us the benefits of their insights on male genital size.

Previous infomercials for “male enhancement” pills—such as ExtenZe and Alzare—seem quaint and demure compared with the shamelessness of ExtaMax. Those earlier infomercials may have said how great it is for a guy to be “larger” but wouldn’t quite say why; the best they could come up with is that it makes a guy “confident.” Although ExtaMax also talks a lot about “confidence,” this infomercial features women saying they are unable to be aroused by a man who is not large and have even tossed guys out of bed because of the inadequate size of their endowments.

Like the earlier male enhancement infomercials, however, ExtaMax never uses the proper word for the body part they are supposed to be “enhancing.” Thus they refer to the “package,” “wiener,” “thing,” “equipment,” “you know what,” and “wee-wee”—but they bleep out any mention of the word “penis,” which is the correct term for the male sex organ. They also bleep out the word “slut,” which is the correct term for all the women who appear on the ExtaMax infomercial.

For example, we have Ami and Natalie, two British tarts who look like they’ve just staggered off the set of an Absolutely Fabulous remake.

Couldn’t the producers of this infomercial find enough home-grown tramps? Did they really need to find two chicks trolling for man-meat in some pub in Manchester? Call me a nativist but I refuse to believe that appearing as a drunken hoochie on a TV infomercial is one of those “jobs Americans won’t do.” All the women on this infomercial say a lot of stupid things, but Ami makes a stunning descent into pure nonsense. Discussing whether “size matters,” she states:

My Mum always says, “Does the batter matter?”—meaning like the pudding.

On behalf of Americans everywhere, let me say: What the hell are you talking about, woman?! Is Ami using some sort of charming cockney expression or is she just spouting complete gibberish?

Then there is Nilanti, an Indian-American who talks like a valley girl: Think Kelly Kapoor after a crash diet.

Three blonde friends named Lyndsay, Danni, and Brianna appear together. The intellectual firepower on display by this trio will make you think you’ve been watching the deliberations of the Supreme Court instead of an infomercial for dick-growing pills.

An African-American lady by the name of Dallas blesses humanity with these words of wisdom, destined to appear in the next edition of Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations: “You can’t be a man if you only have a one-incher.” It turns out that this is not Dallas’s only foray into broadcast television; she was also a contestant on Rock of Love, which means she’s had a lot of experience among disease-ridden, brain-dead trash. Too bad Dallas missed out on the lead of the DramaTel commercial.

Ruminating upon why “size matters,” both Dallas and Nilanti express similar fears. Dallas declares, “If it’s not big enough you can’t feel it, so what’s the point of having sex?” Likewise, Nilanti says, “If it’s so small, you won’t even feel it.” Ladies, there is a name for a person with a penis so small you couldn’t feel it: A woman.

The “Candid Confessions” segments are interrupted by “Men’s Minute” segments hosted by Dr. Victoria Zdrok. This “Men’s Minute”—which lasts longer than 60 seconds—is little more than Dr. Zdrok telling you how you can buy ExtaMax. Speaking with a Russian accent and revealing a lot of cleavage, the blonde Dr. Zdrok bills herself as a relationship expert and dating coach. A little research uncovers that, in addition to earning a doctorate in Clinical Psychology, Victoria Zdrok has posed for Playboy and Penthouse. And, like most Ph.Ds, she has performed in hard-core porn films, including such notable titles as Lesbians in Lust, Three’s Cumpany, and Assturbators 2.

In addition to extolling ExtaMax, Dr. Z takes time in this infomercial to invite viewers to text message her with any love or relationship questions—and who wouldn’t be thrilled to get advice from the star of Assturbators 2!

Most people seeking advice about how to live their lives would seek out a parent, friend, clergyman, or licensed therapist. But apparently some men are just waiting around for a penis enlargement infomercial to tell them how to make their way in the world. Here are some of the pensées the bed-hopping Twenty-somethings share with us:

If you are not well-endowed but still don’t want to buy ExtaMax, there is hope for you yet. Brianna sympathizes with your plight and lets you know about your available options: “Oh, I feel soooo bad for the guys that don’t have it going on down there, because unfortunately they’re going to have to either like get on steroids and become really buff, so their body at least looks good, or they’re going to have to work so super-hard and make a lot of money to like compensate for it.”

If you want to get into the good graces of former Rock of Love contestant Dallas, she offers this advice: “…realize that my [censored] is like platinum. It’s pretty [censored] priceless, and in order to see it, in order to be near it you have to know what you’re doing and if you don’t know what you’re doing then just keep walking. Don’t even waste your time. Because I’ll laugh at you—for reals—and I’ll tell all your [censored] friends.” So I guess “platinum” is a new strain of gonorrhea.

Brianna bluntly advises, “Grow some balls!”—although she never says whether ExtaMax will help with that one.

Ladies, don’t think you’re left out. In a segment called “The Grab Test,” you are advised to either grope or rub up against a man’s crotch to ensure his package is large enough to satisfy you. This is indeed sage counsel that every female viewer of the ExtaMax infomercial will immediately put into practice.

The best advice in the entire ExtaMax infomercial, however, comes from 24-year-old Danni, a woman wise beyond her years. Flanked by her compatriots Lyndsay and Brianna, Danni tells men how best to succeed with women: “Good luck…and don’t date us.”

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An enhanced thank you to reader Al Frank for sending me a tape of the shamelessness that is the ExtaMax infomercial.