ExtenZe 7th Anniversary

My fellow infomercial viewers, please stand up and raise your glasses for a toast, because we have reached a milestone in broadcast history. The “Sex Talk” program has been gracing the airwaves for seven years.

Not familiar with the Sex Talk show? Well you might know it better as the cheesy infomercial for the ExtenZe “male enhancement” pills (www.BuyExtenze.com). The main purpose of the ExtenZe Sex Talk infomercial is not so much to sell pills as to give late-night viewers of Spike TV a break in-between the endless string of Girls Gone Wild infomercials.

Usually milestone anniversaries are commemorated only for years divisible by 5, such as 5 years or 10 years. But for some reason the producers of the latest version of the ExtenZe infomercial must think the seven year mark an achievement worthy of praise and commemoration, because the hosts won’t seem to shut up about it.

For this edition of the ExtenZe infomercial, Bridgetta Tomarchio—actress, model, and fixture on the LA club scene—returns as hostess. Also returning is a Bob Crane look-a-like who appeared on the old Ron Jeremy version of the ExtenZe infomercial as company rep. Lawerence Ross. This time however he serves as the show host and identifies himself simply as “Ross”—perhaps to fool drunken people into thinking they’re watching a Friends re-run.

The big news is that men can now gulp down an ExtenZe “male enhancement drink.” This thing comes in what looks like a soda can—and I’m sure that vending machines throughout North America will soon be stocking the ExtenZe beverage right next to the Diet Pepsi and Mountain Dew. On the infomercial they show the ExtenZe drink in both a blue can and a red can, yet none of the participants ever explains the difference, if any, between the two. But if you examine a close up image of the two cans you will see that the blue can is the “sugar free” version. So there is already a diet ExtenZe drink! That makes sense because it won’t matter how big your manhood becomes if it gets covered up by your even more massive pot belly. Without being aware of it, host Ross makes one of the greatest infomercial double-entendres ever when he asks, “Can you take this sort of like a cocktail, if you would, with the ExtenZe caplets?” They insist that the drink tastes great because ExtenZe worked with a “flavor technologist”—and I’m sure that man must be proud to have the title “Male Enhancement Drink Flavor Technologist” on his business card for all to see.

To commemorate the 7th anniversary, part of this infomercial takes place at the Playboy mansion. At one point they interview three Playboy Playmates (Christine Smith, Shallan Meiers, Christine Nguyen) about life as a Playmate and their deep thoughts regarding the ExtenZe product. They then ask that ever popular question, “Does size matter?” Smith says only, “I have the right to remain silent.” They don’t show Meiers’ response at all. And then, at long last, Nguyen gives them the answer they want by admitting to being a size queen: “I’m sorry, I love, you know…size is a big thing. It feels really great.”

In another attempt at a new marketing tactic, this infomercial claims guys all over the place regularly consume ExtenZe—and the only reason you remain unaware of this phenomenon occurring all around you is because men are reluctant to chit chat about their genitals. As Bridgetta informs us:

Although millions of men have taken ExtenZe it’s something guys just don’t talk about, so guys don’t have any idea how many men are using ExtenZe…Most men don’t have any idea how many of their friends or other guys are already using ExtenZe now. But with over a billion capsules of ExtenZe now being taken by men lots of guys are clearly using ExtenZe every day.

Think about it, men: Your father-in-law, accountant, auto mechanic, barber, priest, and mailman all take ExtenZe but won’t let you in on the secret. Your golfing buddy tells you how he makes his drive longer but not how he makes anything else longer!