Juiceman II

Are you looking to ward off premature death? Then Jay “The Juiceman” Kordich enthusiastically recommends you buy his Juiceman II Automatic Juice Extractor.

The Juiceman insists that fruits and vegetables are “the power of life from Mother Earth” in a way that Twinkies and Ho-Hos are not. But in case you blithely thought that you could just eat fruits and vegetables, Kordich informs you that with his $198 machine, “You’re able to derive nutrients that are unavailable because of our inability to eat things that are indigestible like the rind or the outside armor plate, let’s say, of a pineapple.” Just what you’ve always wanted. So to get any benefit from eating your veggies, you have to drink the sludgy liquid that sputters out of his juicer. “This is something you don’t buy as a whim, as a gadget….I mean, this is your blood of your body,” Jay says, trying to distinguish himself from his infomercial colleagues pushing food dehydrators and ab equipment.

A Juiceman of Vigor

Sporting sneakers and a jogging outfit, the person of Kordich himself is supposed to represent the greatest testament to the benefits of consuming large quantities of juice every day. The viewers are meant to conclude that if a 70-year-old man can have that much vigor and energy, then juicing should do wonders for them. (And perhaps the multitude of white hair sprouting forth from Jay’s eyebrow ridges is meant to symbolize vegetables springing forth from Mother Earth.) Jay’s behavior, however, comes across more as hyperactive and disjointed than anything else. How many people would really want to spend their lives emulating Kordich’s rapid-fire speech and jerky motions?

Hoc Est Corpus Juiceman

Filmed in Las Vegas, most of this infomercial consists of Kordich making various concoctions of juice while explaining their amazing powers. At one point he makes some watermelon juice—using the rind, seeds, and all. As he stands behind the raised table, Jay intones, “Like the Bible says, ‘Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.'” He then asks members of the audience to come and partake of the life-giving juice. As the people line up, music plays in the background and Jay stretches forth his arm to give each of them a goblet filled with the red liquid, saying “There’s watermelon. There’s watermelon.”

How the Juiceman Stays Juiced

And apparently watermelon is not the only plant with nearly preternatural powers. Jay claims that “if you want to get real high” you need only to drink a glass of straight parsley juice. “It’ll be the highest high you’ve ever had in your life.” And the only side effect will be that “It’ll put you in the restroom and you won’t come out for 7 days.” But that’s not all juicing can do for you…

Extra! Extra! Juiceman Announces
End to Cancer on Infomercial

Because of cantaloupe’s high level of betacarotene, the Juiceman proclaims that you can use “cantaloupe to ward off cancer. It’s tremendous.”

All these stunning health benefits from juicing don’t seem to have effected the audience very much. Many infomercials have been criticized for the scripted, on-cue applause and obviously phony enthusiasm of their audiences. But the audience in this infomercial looks bored and incredulous. They seem restless to get back to the slot machines instead of watching a juice machine. Maybe if Jay would let Juiceman II dribble out some free samples of parsley juice for his audience, they’d exhibit more pep.