CubeGuard: A Convenient Way to Alienate Your Co-Workers

If the stand-offish, prickly, weirdo in your office wasn’t insufferable enough, CubeGuard offers yet another outlet for his or her passive-aggression.

CubeGuard is an excellent alternative to get your message across when your HR manager refuses to let you mount a Chatty Patty to the top of your cubicle wall.

This infomercial assumes that the office airhead, lecher, and smarmy dad hitting up everyone for money will immediately show complete deference to a banner strung across your cubicle opening. The other assumption is that the reason for your lack of workplace productivity is your bothersome co-workers—and not the fact that you spend half the day gossiping on Facebook and watching funny cat videos on YouTube.

CubeGuard is something you might expect to see used by Les Nessman on WKRP, Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory, and countless pompous sources of comic relief from television sitcoms. Expect CubeGuard to be featured prominently in any sequel to Office Space.

Start using Cube Guard and your colleagues in the break room will no longer be joking about the office airhead, lecher, and smarmy dad hitting up everyone for money—they’ll be joking about you instead.


  • 3 Responses to “CubeGuard: A Convenient Way to Alienate Your Co-Workers”

  • What, no ‘Crime Scene – Do Not Cross’?

    I suspect, in reality, the girl who likes getting poked (and poked often) and the office Lothario would be pestering her even more. ‘Dude, you have one of those CubeGuard things? How amazing! Where did you get it? Do they have an informercial? How much was it? How many easy payments of X.95? Wow. I want one! Hey, guys, check this out! Cubicle party over here!’

    etc. etc.

    Comment by Paul on July 12, 2013 at 3:28 pm

  • The “Working from Home” banner has a picture of flowers growing out of grass? Wouldn’t that image be more appropriate for telling your fellow employees, “Attending a Funeral Today”?

    Comment by bookendz on July 12, 2013 at 4:24 pm

  • You had me at “any sequel to Office Space.”

    I want this movie to be made.

    And I want Chatty Patty to be in it!

    Comment by Julie on July 14, 2013 at 7:54 pm