Love Avenue Date Line

When some future anthropologist struggles to understand American turn-of-the-Millennium sexual mores, he or she would do well to take a look at the Love Avenue infomercial.

Hosted by J.D. Roberto, who sports a goatee and pair of gold earrings, and Kerri Kasem, a brunette who wears the most hair extensions you’ll ever see on a white woman, this infomercial advertises the Love Avenue date-line: “a high-tech phone system where you can meet new friends, browse ads, and chat live. And even do some flirting.” To sell the service, the infomercial features example ads, dramatizations, and video from real “first dates” of Love Avenue participants. All these elements are quickly intercut with one another in the kind of fast edit technique designed by MTV for people whose powers of concentration start to break down after 8 seconds. Throughout all this, music of one sort or another plays in the background, mostly something that sounds like the pop song “Love Will Keep Us Together” with the lyrics rewritten to plug Love Avenue.

All that music accompanies the dozens of example ads shown here: Most of these were filmed on a beach or pier and feature women in bikinis and men without shirts. Nearly all the people on this infomercial are, of course, young and good-looking—it doesn’t seem like they’d have problems getting dates and one wonders why they’ve resorted to a date-line. Yet the infomercial is fairly explicit that these are the same sort of people you’ll find on the Love Avenue “phone fun-fest.” Kerri assures, “We’ve got the hottest girls for you guys.” J.D. promises, “We’ve got the coolest guys for you ladies.” But since they also insist that everyone is free to call, it’s unclear how they can guarantee either the hotness or coolness of the participants.

There is, however, a remarkable sameness to what the people on this infomercial say they’re looking for: They want someone who is “sexy,” “built,” “fun-loving,” and—that old personal ad perennial—”likes to do things in the outdoors.” One woman who says she likes to talk about “life issues” seems an anomaly—until you realize that for these people being “built” and having “fun” are life issues.

Although this infomercial aims at those who desperately want an outside social life, it also appeals to those who don’t want to get off the couch: “This is the only party you can go to without leaving home,” and “It’s a telephone playland for people who love to party on the phone.” Party on the phone? That’s some hobby.

In his infomercial, Tom Vu implied that the wealth made with his real estate system was the route to attracting chicks. Love Avenue cuts out the middleman and blatantly offers a direct line to a life surrounded by sexy bodies. The Love Avenue infomercial is a 30-minute monument to a society in which relations between the sexes are unable to transcend the ethos of a drunken frat-party hook-up.

Wanna join the party? Call Love Avenue today!