Dual Action Cleanse with Klee Irwin
When someone on an infomercial has to repeatedly warn people: “Please excuse the language I am about to use, if it is offensive in any way,” you know you are going to be in for a bumpy ride. And in the case of the Dual Action Cleanse infomercial the warnings are well warranted because this program is little more than a half hour of people discussing bowel movements.
Dual Action Cleanse is a colon cleanser product developed by a man named Klee Irwin. The first thing that most channel surfers will notice when they bump into this infomercial is the weirdness of Klee’s appearance. Klee looks like he just came from a white trash production of The Rocky Horror Show. Let’s hope that the caked-on pancake makeup and black eyeliner was the fault of an over-zealous makeup artist. His limp pseudo-mullet and caterpillar facial hair, however, are more likely Mr. Irwin’s own grooming choices. In any case Klee’s appearance certainly does nothing to take the edge off his description of fecal matter.
An example of what goes on in this infomercial can be seen when they take the call of a man named Gary who says, “I just don’t feel perfect…I feel like something is missing. Do you think this product could help me?”
To which Klee replies, “Gary, let me ask you a question: Do you have kids?”
“…Yes,” Gary responds suspiciously.
Klee then asks the question on everyone’s mind, “Are your bowel movements the same size and length as theirs are?”
“Absolutely not!” Gary says with conviction.
If this guy is going around measuring and weighing his kids’ stools then perhaps he has more serious problems than the state of his colon.
But lest you think Gary some sort of oddball, Klee himself describes the sight of his daughter’s ca ca as if it were some sort of religious experience:
I’ll never forget the first time I saw my four-year-old daughter’s bowel movement in the toilet. It literally scared me. She wasn’t more than 45 pounds, but her bowel movement was about as thick as my wrist and about as long as her arm. And I thought, ‘Oh my God.’ I got scared. I was going to call my wife. I thought, ‘How could something that big come of something—a little child—that small. And I thought, I’m six feet tall and I weigh 190 pounds and by proportion to my size compared to hers my bowel movements were very inadequate to say the least.
Now we all know why the phrase “too much information” had to be invented.
Insufficiently large stool is not the only problem Dual Action Cleanse claims to alleviate. Indeed the enormous number of ailments Dual Action Cleanse is supposed to help reads like the index of a medical manual: sinuses, allergies, skin rashes, acne, bloating, weight gain, fatigue, stiff joints, depression, mood swings, headaches, frequent colds, poor memory and concentration, premature aging, poor circulation.
However, a disclaimer on the screen says, “These products and statements have not been reviewed by the Food and Drug Administration. They are not meant to treat, prevent or cure any disease or illness,” which is a bit incongruous.
Perhaps because they don’t want to torment the viewers with even more “graphic” descriptions, this infomercial uses quite a few analogies for describing the process of taking a dump and cleaning your intestinal tract. Among them are:
- Corroded pipes with accumulated calcium deposits
- A house with many rooms
- A dusty vacuum cleaner bag
- A fish tank with caked on scum
- An undulating snake
If Dual Action Cleanse really catches on maybe “empty the vacuum cleaner bag,” “clean the fish tank,” or “undulate the snake” could replace “number two” as a euphemism for defecation.
And if the Dual Action Cleanse message of intestinal health as the key to well-being begins to resonate with people, perhaps good bowel movements will replace iPods and expensive cars as status symbols. On high school campuses everywhere the boy with the well formed stool will strut around with confidence as cheerleaders swoon over him, while the geeks who can only manage watery pellets sit by themselves in the corner.
In fact if you can manage to take a decent crap, then you’ll be cooler than many celebrities. Meticulous researcher that he is, Klee informs us:
Poking around the Internet before coming on your show today I did some research to have some interesting stories to share with you, and I saw an article that said John Wayne, when he died of colon cancer, was autopsied and the doctor who did his autopsy commented that he had found 44 pounds of undigested fecal matter stuck in his colon and digestive system. And the doctor actually made a comment at this time that the Duke would have lived years longer if he would have had a magic bullet or some sort of pill to clear out all the compacted gunk from his digestive system.
Apparently, Klee’s research didn’t include snopes.com because he would have found out that the John Wayne story is a persistent urban legend.
One of the phone calls on this infomercial comes from a woman named Lita who proclaims that although she took Dual Action Cleanse to clear a skin rash it also helped her lose weight. Klee explains this phenomenon like this, “Even the FDA has confirmed that by the time we’re forty we have several pounds of fecal matter, undigested food struck to our colons walls. Now you talk about almost overnight weight loss. If you want to lose some real weight real fast, not just water weight, this product will do it.”
So if you are overweight Klee Irwin’s message to you is: You’re not really fat; you’re just full of shit.
"It literally scared me!"
Klee Irwin describes the awe he experienced at the sight of his daughter's bowel movement.
Do You Have Any Other Hobbies?
It turns out that Klee and a caller named Gary share a common interest.