Mass Suit and Cardio Poles: Freak People Out While You Workout

Ever look at the mass of cords and wires behind your living room TV cabinet and think, “I wonder what it would feel like to be tangled up like that?” With the Mass Suit Full Body Exercise Resistance Band Workout System you don’t have to wonder any more:

Note how “Behind the scenes, contestants on TV’s The Biggest Loser have secretly been using the Mass Suit when the camera’s were off.” These people were perfectly willing to show all of America the massive rolls of fat hanging off their bodes…but they drew the line when it came to being seen in a Mass Suit!

Mass Suit is very useful if your favorite exercise spot tends to get crowded. When people see you coming down the jogging trail in this thing they will all assume you have escaped from your dominatrix’s S&M bondage dungeon and are running for dear life; people will steer clear lest your mistress catch you and punish you severely.

Otherwise people will fear you are a cyborg sent from the future to exact vengeance on someone in the present. Use with Zoomies glasses for extra menace.

A future version of the Mass Suit will include lights so that you can work out at night and look like you just lost a fight with a Christmas tree.

Another alternative for those who want people to avoid them while they exercise is Cardio Poles:

When you start power walking toward people with your Cardio Poles, they will give you lots of room because they will assume you are either:

1) Disabled (Why else would you be wearing those leg braces?)

or 2) Completely loony, in which case they will do whatever they can to avoid receiving a long harangue about how food additives are being used in a plot for global mind control.


  • 3 Responses to “Mass Suit and Cardio Poles: Freak People Out While You Workout”

  • The Cardio Poles walking sticks will be quite popular with the type of senior citizen who stopped caring what people think years ago.

    Comment by euGene on April 5, 2013 at 9:12 pm

  • The cardio poles look like someone put on their stilts upside-down.

    Comment by Julie on April 16, 2013 at 2:31 pm

  • regarding the cardio poles video – i love how it showed the lady as a “busy mom”

    Comment by Steve on April 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm