Spray White 90: Kelly Monaco, Swearing, Fake Flirting, and an Adam West-Lookalike Can’t Save this Snoozefest!

The time I spent viewing the Spray White 90 infomercial was the most boring chore I’ve had since slogging through the Montel Williams AbCoaster snoozefest. So take this post as an earnest plea and warning to others who may be contemplating the same.

The Spray White 90 infomercial is mostly 28 minutes of actress Kelly Monaco (of General Hospital and Dancing with the Stars) standing in front of a green screen, talking about a teeth whitener. Kelly Monaco may be attractive, but not nearly attractive enough for a viewer to endure minute after minute of uninspired product description (“gently getting your teeth up to 7 shades whiter”) and questionable product benefits (“white teeth tell a potential employer a lot about who you are”).

Kelly does get to “interview” a dentist named Dr. Bradford Staph. Doctor Staph doesn’t say anything particularly interesting, but he does look like a cross between a middle-aged Adam West and a middle-aged Christopher Reeve:

Kelly also “talks” to cosmetic dentist Dr. Greg Vigoren. If Dr. Staph shares a name with a well-known bacterial infection, then Dr. Vigoren has a name that sounds like a knock-off version of Viagra. The “interview” between Kelly and Dr. Vigoren is obviously not conducted live. Vigoren clearly filmed his answers in an office while Kelly asked her questions to the ubiquitous green screen and the two were later edited togehter. Nonetheless, the producers were so eager to make viewers think this is a live interview that they actually have Dr. Vigoren deliver an awkward line that makes everyone think he is hitting on (former Playboy playmate) Kelly Monaco:

Kelly Monaco: Thanks for answering those questions for us. That was great.

Dr. Vigoren: It’s been my pleasure, and Kelly, by the way, you have a beautiful smile.

It doesn’t help that the man is 20 years her senior. Maybe the doctor took too many Vigoren pills that morning.

The only other notable thing that happens is that two of the testimonials get bleeped. “Holy [bleep]! God, I had some dirty looking teeth, didn’t I?” This is the first time swear words have been bleeped in an infomercial since Donald Trump got censored promoting his seminar.

My recommendation: If you come across the Spray White 90 infomercial, change the channel and watch the Magic Bullet for the 517th time instead.