Ridiculous Infomercial Review Blog

During the whole dot-com boom, when the subject of stocks and options seemed to dominate small talk from coast to coast, I always wondered why there were almost no infomercials for courses on stock trading. I knew from reading stock investment magazines and my own junk mail that there were an endless number of courses supposedly teaching people how to get rich trading stocks using various systems. Yet during the whole stock boom none of these types of trading systems was being advertised through TV infomercials.

No longer! Now systems for trading stocks, options, commodities futures, and foreign currency (forex) make up the largest category of money making/home business infomercials, surpassing the real estate investment infomercials that had been dominant until then. These infomercials include WizeTrade, Teach Me to Trade, Optionetics, 4X Made Easy, 5-Point Star Trader, InvesTools, and Options Made Easy just to name a few.

I am curious as to why these infomercials for trading stocks, currency futures, etc only popped-up after the stock market crash in 2000. I guess when the stock market was roaring upwards, everyone who just followed the herd and bought any tech stock made a bundle, so there was probably no demand for a “get rich” trading course back then. But since the bust, all those sad people still holding onto dogs like Lucent and JDS Uniphase (or even worse eToys and Pets.com) must have been fairly desperate to get back to the returns of the halcyon days of 1998-99.

The trading of futures, options, forex, and commodities is known to be a complex and risky undertaking, so it wouldn’t seem to me to be the most natural money making system to sell via infomercial, where most of the people just want something to fall into their laps. Of course these infomercials stress how “easy” their trading systems are. The WizeTrade software, for example, tells you when to buy and sell a stock by showing you a red or green light!

Still, I think a lot of the appeal of these sorts of stock and options trading systems is mainly to the ego of middle-class, educated men who think they are clever enough to outsmart everyone else.

It all reminds me of a man named Wade Cook who advertised his stock trading system heavily on the radio in the late 90s. He claimed that he made returns of 20% each month—which if do the compounding means he should have owned the entire universe by now. Instead it looks as if Mr. Cook’s company met with a less felicitous fate. (Also see this series of articles on Wade Cook from the Motley Fool.)

So for anyone considering any of these stock or forex trading systems, all I have to say is good luck—and may all your trades be good ones.

There is something interesting in the infomercial for J.G. Banks Secrets of Probate Profits. Near the beginning of the infomercial, the words “Dolby Surround” and the Dolby logo appear.

Is there some big demand to have Dolby Surround for an infomercial or any reason why an infomercial would be eager to advertise this feature? I could understand the benefit to infomercials selling music collections, such as the 70s Music Explosion with Barry Williams. But J.G. Banks Secrets of Probate Profits advertises a money-making seminar.

If you check out your Univision or Telemundo TV station, you just might be able to catch that masterpiece infomercial Dual Action Cleanse with Klee Irwin dubbed into Spanish. I think this is great: If we English-speaking Americans have the opportunity to be grossed out by discussion of feces and colons then there is no reason why our Spanish-speaking neighbors shouldn’t have the same privilege. ¡Sí se puede have well-formed stool!

I have not watched the whole thing, but one thing I noticed about the Spanish version of the infomercial is that the caller “Gary” has been renamed “Carlos.”

Which raises and interesting question: Do they replace the urban legend about John Wayne having 40 pound of fecal matter in his intestines with a similar story about Cantinflas or El Santo?

I’ve already raised the question of why a billionaire would do a real estate seminar infomercial at all, and I’ve discussed Trump getting bleeped in his own infomercial. But the more I see the Trump infomercial the more things I see in it that I want to discuss.

The Trump seminar being advertised supposedly presents general info on “wealth building.” Trump mainly discusses real estate as a way to wealth. However, he also spends quite a bit of time in this infomercial discussing how people can get money from the government. So not only is Trump trying to be the next Tom Vu but he is also attempting to be the next Matthew Lesko!

At one point the hostess of the infomercial asks Trump for some “words of wisdom” for those who are going to attend. Trump gives us this:

It’s a great place to meet people. And they’re sort of like you: they’re smart, they’re intelligent, in some cases they’re beautiful or good looking. But you’re going to meet a lot of people at the institute and the seminar that are really spectacular people, that are ambitious people.

In some cases they’re beautiful or good looking?? I think I may have found the answer as to why the billionaire spends his time at these cheesy real estate investing events. (Listen to the audio here: trump_good_looking.MP3)

And in case you hadn’t guessed already, the hostess on this infomercial is an attractive female. So when Trump says “they’re sort of like you: they’re smart, they’re intelligent” he is in fact flirting/hitting on her. So it appears The Donald—who owns the Miss Universe pagent, Miss USA pagent, and his own modeling agency—can’t even turn it off while taping!

I guess this infomercial shows us all that Mr. Trump’s reputation as a horndog is well warranted.

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You can see a brief clip from the infomercial at http://www.trumpinstitute.com/interview.php but unfortunately they don’t include the bleeping or the “good looking” comment.

If you watch the Donald Trump seminar infomercial being aired these days until the end, you’ll see something that isn’t all that common on infomercials. When asked what he would say to people who won’t take the step of attending his wealth building seminar, The Donald tells viewers, “Get off your [BLEEP]. Go out and learn something.” And what you hear is not just the kind of short blip over one letter that is so common on TV today. This is a long, loud, old-fashioned BLEEP that lasts from the end of “your” to the beginning of “Go.” I doubt many people would have even noticed that Trump said the word “ass” if they had left it uncensored. So I think this is a good case of censorship actually bringing more attention to the curse word being covered up. (Listen to the audio here: trump_bleep.mp3.)

This is not the first time I’ve heard swearing bleeped in an infomercial. In the mid-90s there was an infomercial for a motor engine additive. (I think it was the infomercial for “Motor Up” but I’m not sure.) As a test they brought two mechanics out to an auto junkyard. One of these men was short and mustached with a gravelly voice; the other was tall and lanky, his skin permanently discolored by years of contact with motor oil, his mouth missing several teeth. The host picked out one old car with a long-dead engine and asked the men if the product could restore it. Both expressed doubt. The product was added to the engine, and sure enough the car started right away. “Oh [BLEEP]!” “[BLEEP]ing [BLEEP]!” and many other curse laden expressions came out of the mouths of the two grease monkeys as they articulated their astonishment that the dead engine could be brought back to life. I found this whole scene so funny that I parodied it in my novel.

Because infomercials are scripted and pre-taped, you just won’t find many opportunities for bleeping curse words. Cathy Mitchell or Matthew Lesko may well let out a frustrated “Oh, shit!” or two during the taping of their infomercials, but you can be sure that the entire incident will be edited and long gone before the program ever makes it on air. To the best of my knowledge Trump’s and the motor engine additive infomercials are the only two that have ever used bleeps.